Five Ways to Guarantee that You'll NEVER Quit Smoking

Brought to you by the Good-For-You-And-Your-Children Tobacco
Company.

You're hearing it from all directions: "Quit smoking!" But the
heck with that! You're going to smoke until the day you die,
right? Here's how to "fight back" against the tyrants and
authority establishment that is trying to make you quit.

First, you must never believe that quitting smoking is possible.
On the contrary, no one has ever quit smoking. Once you've had
one puff, you're hooked for life. Might as well just start
smoking even if you only inhale some second-hand smoke. You see,
if you believe you can quit smoking, then you might actually try
to do something about it. Believing is the first, most important
step to becoming an evil "non-smoker". So don't believe what you
hear from anyone else. Don't believe your own gut-instinct that
tells you that you do have the ability to quit. You don't! It's
impossible! Forget it!

Second, don't set a date for quitting. The winners in life are
the people who never plan their life. They just get lucky. Money
falls from the sky whenever they need it. They get around to
doing things "someday."

The losers in life spend time planning their day, planning their
goals and dreams; planning, planning, planning. Don't do that!
It's a waste of your time. You don't need to know when you are
going to do anything. You'll be just fine letting life "happen"
to you. Free love, man! Peace!

Don't set a date for quitting smoking. That way you'll never
know when you should put the cigarettes down for the last time.
That way you can just smoke one right after the other, with no
thought of when you want to become smoke-free.

Third, to guarantee you'll never quit smoking, don't talk to
your doctor about quitting. He or she will just give you a load
of hogwash. They think they know everything, those doctors. They
say smoking will shorten your life, make you sicker more often,
cause sexual dysfunction, give you heart and lung disease, plus
a whole bunch of other unsubstantiated claims. Everyone knows
that smoking never hurt anyone.

Your doctor would try to offer you his professional advice, and
maybe even try to prescribe some "helpful" medications for
quitting. They go to school for a million years and all of a
sudden these doctors think they can help heal people! Imagine.
Oh sure, studies may show that smokers who consult with their
physician are more likely to quit, but then everybody knows that
no one every quit smoking, right? (See the first method, above.)

Fourth, don't exercise. Exercise is hard. You have to burn
calories. You have to discipline yourself to move your muscles
three or four times per week. You have to stop watching TV for
30 minutes. No way!

Stay seated and smoke another pack. Or two.

Exercise is good for you, they say. It can help you take your
mind off smoking. It can relieve stress. But you have cigarettes
to relieve stress, right?

Who wants to exercise when it gives you bulging muscles and a
tone body? The "experts" will try to tell you that you might
feel pretty good about yourself when you start to get in shape.
You just might want to take better care of yourself and quit
smoking. Your self-esteem will improve, your sleep will improve,
your stamina will increase, your sense of purpose will rise,
your weight will drop, your performance at work will improve.
That's what the "experts" say. Nonsense. You're doing just fine
right now, smoking your cigarettes on the couch, in front of the
TV, right?

Finally, the fifth way to guarantee that you'll never quit
smoking is to just give up trying to quit. Don't take any action
toward quitting. It's not necessary. Oh sure, you've tried to
quit before. Did it work? Of course not. So forget it. It's just
not worth the effort. You're a slave to cigarettes.

You don't want to live five or ten years longer anyway, do you?
No, quitting isn't possible. Quitting requires that you actually
try. So don't try. Don't make plans to quit. Don't read about
how to quit. Don't talk with your doctor. Don't learn from other
smokers who quit. Don't try to quit cold turkey or to gradually
reduce the number of cigarettes you smoke. Don't do any of that
weird deep breathing stuff. Don't drink plenty of water. Don't
exercise. Don't eat healthier foods. Don't try to find a
quitting buddy. Don't remove all the ash trays and lighters and
matches and cigarettes from your home and office and vehicle.
Don't talk to strangers!

Face it, you're a smoker. You love smoking. You love the
coughing and hacking. You love freezing to death when you have
to smoke in the designated smoking area outside. You love being
stared at every time you light a cigarette in public. You love
spending hundreds or even thousands of dollars each year on your
habit. You love smelling terrible. You love having bad breath.
You love paying more for your insurance. You love spending time
in the hospital.

Remaining a smoker is easy, now that you know the five simple
ways to guarantee that you never quit smoking. Get started today
(or whenever you feel like it--or never--see step 5)

Brought to you by the Good-For-You-And-Your-Children Tobacco
Company.